It’s Okay to Fail

This post will probably be the longest and most emotional so I’d either click the back button now, or start reading. There will be a video attached. I wanted to post the original, raw video of the failure I experienced but it’s simply too long due to long pauses so I cut it down a bit. So let’s get to it shall we?

We’ve all failed before at many things. If you haven’t failed at work, your relationships, games you’ve played, contests, your workout (or maybe even a spelling bee?) then maybe you either just don’t do enough to put yourself in challenging situations or you’re a deity. I’ve failed many times at many things in my life. I think it’s because not only do I put myself in challenging situations, but I think I borderline do it too often. But can you do something like that too often? Who knows? But that doesn’t make me any better or worse than you. We’re just different. Blood, sweat and tears come from one source. Ourselves. But what can cause it? You could be trying to become a top tier director in Hollywood, the best boxer since Ali, the fastest runner since Bolt or even touch the world like J.K. Rowling did with her Harry Potter series. We all experience the same emotions along different avenues when vying for something with everything we have.

I haven’t found my niche as far as my career and I’m going to be 32 years old soon. It feels like a dream. It was just yesterday that I was 22 years old thinking I had all the time in the world to figure it out. I’m still trying to figure it out.

But one thing that’s stayed consistent in my life (for the most part) is some sort of fitness. It’s what I’ve loved more than any hobby I’ve ever taken a part in. I’ve grown to love it so much but it’s almost broken my heart very many times due to my own lack of discipline. I could be thrice the level I’m at today if I took advantage of my energy and seriously dedicated myself to it as much as I wish I had just 10 years ago. But it’s okay. If I do it now, I can look back 10 years from now and be happy with my results hopefully.

So what did I fail in you ask? A lot of things. But the trigger is pretty simple. A few weeks ago, I was incredibly stressed out. I had worked out a bunch the day before to help myself relax and release some of that negative energy I was holding onto. The next day, I was feeling the same way again. There was too much going on and not enough at the same time. Too much to do but nothing that involved moving forward in my life. That terrified me. I didn’t realize I hadn’t eaten anything that morning. Nor did I eat any lunch other than a small bowl of oatmeal I think it was. Not sure. I hadn’t had much more than a half bottle of water. Second nature was akin to doing laundry. I simply forgot.

But I knew I needed to Run.

So I did. I was going to run 8 miles. Be outside, on my own, running at my own pace. I had brought a water bottle and my AirPod’s with me. Three miles in the run I realized I wasn’t even listening to anything. I should have seen this as my first sign that something wasn’t right in my head. Three miles in I feel quite tired compared to how I usually feel at this distance but I shrug it off and keep moving. Three miles in I should have turned around. But I didn’t. I kept going.

I reach my turn around point at four miles. Four and a half miles and I wanted to stop running. I wanted to walk. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never stopped and walked in the middle of a run and I wasn’t going to start today. My pride was getting in the way. Am I really this tired or am I in my own head? I just finished all my water.

I Know How to Push Through.

So just keep pushing. Five miles down, three to go. I’ve slowed down considerably. My mouth is dry. I’m having trouble breathing. I’ll be okay.

Two laps + 1 mile and I’m Home.

Except I wasn’t. I use this lake to add extra miles on my run if I need them. One lap is point nine two miles (.92) I just have to go around it twice and run just over a mile to get home. I’m reaching the half-way point of the first lap. Things have been getting fuzzy and it’s gotten worse. I need to stop. I was incredibly light-headed. A nice woman that was strolling through the park asked if I was okay “Yeah, I’m fine, just taking a breather, thank you for asking!” (Of course I’m not okay.) “Do you have any water?” I didn’t ask.

Side-note: I haven’t found a way to respond to someone in a way that doesn’t sound rude or sarcastic. Any tips? I genuinely do appreciate their concern.

I took a breather for about 10 minutes. I’ve never stopped like this before. no matter how tired I was. Was this “The wall”? that marathon runners talk about? I got up. I was feeling a little bit better. I’m going to start at a slower pace and pick it up if I feel I’m able to. After just a quarter of a mile I’m feeling even more exhausted than before. I slowed my pace.

Wait…

What if I pick up my pace? I’ll get home sooner and get to rest…sooner.

I pick up the pace again. Maybe I can break through this wall. I’m coming up on that woman again. The one that asked if I needed any help. This would be embarrassing to stop again. But why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Why am I letting my pride get in the way? I have a very busy mind.

The wall

I realized later that I hit the “Wall” on mile four and a half. I pushed through when all I wanted to do what stop. I pushed far passed what I should have. I’m losing my breath. My lungs feel like they can’t expand any more than they already have. I don’t remember what my heart felt like. I would be lying if I said it was beating out of my chest or the opposite, that I didn’t feel it at all. I reached a tree about three quarters of the way through the first lap, I slow enough to a walking pace. I’m gasping for air. I collapse to the ground on my hands and knees. I move back into a sitting position with my back against the tree. I can’t move. I don’t have anymore energy. Of course I picked the best place to sit in the entire park. On an Ant colony at the base of a tree. I didn’t notice until it was too late. They were crawling on me. I sat up on my hands and moved a few feet away. I looked up for a second. Maybe I could find a place to sit that wasn’t infested. Lo and behold, it was as if a bench came down from the heavens just 20 feet away.

Phill, your wish is my command. Here is your seat.

I don’t know how I missed it having chosen to sit at the tree. There was a man sitting there. He was eating. He had multiple drinks. Would he offer me one? Did I have the courage to ask for one? I gave myself another minute or two, I don’t remember. I stood up very slowly. I felt even more lightheaded and my legs wanted to give out from below me. I found the strength to hold it together and walk to the bench. I took the corner seat, the closest possibility to where I was standing. I thought to myself that it was important that I remembered this, so I took a video which you can watch (Wherever it is that I decided to post this in this blog. Beginning? Conclusion?)

I felt completely broken. I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life. I thought I had felt exhaustion before. I was wrong. This was true exhaustion. I thought I may die. I was afraid I may have a heart attack. I’ve never felt closer to death. Not on my Motorcycle accident, not on the airplane that took a nosedive on my way to South America, not being head at gunpoint in the Jewelry store I worked in. I felt closer to death on this run. I don’t remember at what point I called my wife to ask her to pick me up. Whether it was before or after I took the video doesn’t matter I suppose.

I began to realize so many things. I need more follow through in my life. Just because my business ventures don’t take off instantly, doesn’t mean they’re going to be a failure. Just because I didn’t finish college doesn’t mean I can’t be successful. Just because there are decisions in my life that I could have made differently doesn’t mean the decisions I did make were the wrong ones. We all wish we could have done things differently, so why not make those decisions now and change the way we go about things?

This simple Eight mile run changed my life. Though I didn’t complete Eight miles. I completed Six and a half miles. What was shocking about all this was that I’ve run 13 miles before. What’s not shocking though, is that exhaustion occurred. I didn’t have any food in my system. I wasn’t hydrated. I completed depleted myself.

It gets worse before it gets better. I had to crawl.

When my wife finally made it to the lake with my daughter in the back seat I felt even more discouraged than before. Why? I couldn’t have picked a worse place in the park to stop. There was about thirty-five to forty yards of green between myself and the car. I took a deep breath. I can make it. I made sure to walk very slowly. It didn’t matter. My legs gave way, I slowed down my fall as best I could. I looked up at the car while on my hands and knees. I looked down at the ground below me and took another deep breath. I don’t care if anyone sees me anymore. I need to make it to the car. I’m not embarrassed. I’m way past that. I began crawling towards the car. I felt so much shame when I reached the car. My wife knows me. That last thing I would want is help. I reached for the door handle, and pulled it open. I pulled myself into the car and reclined the seat as far as I could. We stopped at a local Seven-Eleven convenient store. She picked up a couple large Gatorades. I downed one of them in less than a minute.

My breathing didn’t slow for hours.

It’s okay to fail. I failed on whatever day this was. But as long as you learn from it, as long as you make better decisions because of it, wasn’t the failure more of a blessing in disguise? I learned a lot that day. I took a good rest for 3 days and ran again. I felt good. Since then I’ve ridden my bike over 20 miles a day for a week and have changed a lot of my habits.

I’m seeing things through a lot better now. I’m gaining focus on what I need to do with my life at this late stage in my life. I’m not starting something unless I’m planning on finishing it.

Failure is okay. Pride getting in the way of your life isn’t. I didn’t listen to what my body needed, and my pride didn’t allow me to ask for help, or to slow down and walk the rest of the way.

I’ve failed at many things

More than I can count and more than I feel like sharing right now. But I’ll keep pushing forward towards success. I’m 31 years old. It’s taken me a little longer than most to find what they’re calling is, and although I THINK I know what it is, I’ll keep it to myself for now. My focus can be many places at once and I have been reeling it in to hone in on whats really important.

More posts will follow this one. I was on vacation. Really needed a breather. Onward we go!